I did this for my mom. It was blazing hot, that day in Florence and my mom didn’t like musea. She is 82 years old and she likes to go shopping in the boutiques. She said she couldn’t stand on her legs for so long, she didn’t know anything about art and moreover she wasn’t interested.
This is my mom
But seeing Botticelli’s Primavera and The Birth of Venice was on my bucket list for a long time.
So I decided to entertain my mom in the best possible ways to make the museum visit the most enthralling experience ever. I knew a lot of stories and myths so that was the easiest part. To keep her interested was the hardest part. So I invented a comparative contest: who has the most attractive penis?
Nudity in art has never been an issue or taboo in my family, so mom agreed and we started our quest for the sexiest penis in art. I took pictures and close ups of the genitals in the rich sculpture collection. I was about to meet and greet at eye level with Apollo, Bacchus, Saturnus, Hermes, Neptunus, the fauns, Asclepius, Laocoon and his sons…
Starting in the gallery, I was intensively framing the lens of my camera, when I heard a voice behind my back. ‘Du kleiner Schweinchen!’. I turned around to see who had said that aloud. He was short and stocky, with a ruddy face and in his fifties. I had to stop myself from saying:’ You murdered my granddad. You took away my mother’s father. How dare you?’ Instead I shrugged my shoulders, refrained from commenting something as ‘kleiner Schwanz’ and got back to business, unashamed. I was really proud, being there, with my mom, comparing phalluses.
After twenty stories and as many dicks, my mother was tired, said down and said: ‘ They look all the same in the end. Only the stories differ.’
At that point I rested my case and searched the shortest way to the Botticelli’s . I had already made up my mind about the winner!
So, if you want to take pictures of the best dick pics in art, just go and visit the Uffizi Gallery in Florence. Take your mom!